I now pronounce you, husband and wife...

I went to a wedding last weekend for a friend from graduate school and I went alone. As soon as I sat down at my assigned table (3 hours late), I realized why it's so important to either bring a date or at least, know a lot of the people there.

Weddings seem to be designed for one purpose: so the people paying for it can network their happiness around. If you're wealthy, it's probably a combination of letting friends and family meet each other to create other romantic bonds while also promoting business alignments. If you're middle and lower class, it's a way to show off the pride you have in your offspring. Granted, weddings are expensive and if you're fortunate enough to have someone pay for your nuptials, give them what they want but damn, there is no shot in hell I'd ever have a wedding like that. I guess I should begin saving now, or my parents will invite the 79 family members I barely know simply to say hi to me.

I arrived at the reception and picked out my table card. My friend sat me with her friends from undergrad and our septuagenarian classmate who didn't dance, didn't drink, and isn't much of a talker. We had dinner with only brief interludes of small talk before the pop music started blaring. When the latest version of some techno-ey electric slide, line dance started, I knew it was time to go.

Maybe there was some dude there I could have sought out for conversation. Perhaps I could have danced next to one of the many sorority sisters, but I just wasn't in the mood.

I left imagining my perfect wedding. Of course it would be on a beach on a faraway island and it would span at least 3 days but it would only include the bare minimum on the guest list. (Sadly, I made this list and I'd HAVE TO invite at least 50 people). If I'm real lucky, only half will be able to make it.

I'd want to rent a house that would be able to hold my entire wedding party and then put the family in a separate place. We'd begin with a welcome bbq/rehearsal dinner. The next day would be the wedding and the following would be a brunch. It is my dream to be able to set the menu and prepare the food with the help of hired cooks. It always amazes me that the food at wedding is so terrible. If I ever have one of these things, I want it to be the main attraction. There are all types of seafood laden menus in my head and I don't know how I'd balance skewering shrimp with getting my hair done, but I know I can make it work.

The entire weekend would be intimate enough that no one there would ever feel like they need to leave early. I'd want to actually sit and enjoy my time instead of walking around a big room saying, "hi, how are you? Thank you for coming." I'd want my guests to thank me for having them and for genuinely wanting them to share this special moment in my life.

When weddings are without that, I feel like they're more of a spectacle than a party. It's all, “look at us. Be proud. Be empathetic.” Hopefully that's enough emotion to enjoy yourself on.

Getting married in itself is really something to be studied. We know that most animals don't remain monogamous to their mates. We know that this country alone has a 60% divorce rate. We know that more and more people are losing their jobs which causes serious financial strain on all couples. So why continue?

My theory is that marriage is a good thing because it provides you with someone who will always care enough about you to want to see you well and that takes the burden off of health care in old age...

Real romantic, aren't I?

Marriage probably happens more often than not because people want to feel they've hit that mile marker. Weddings are a sign of adulthood and it's much easier to throw a party than to work real hard for that dream job.

I know so many people who are getting married, or have gotten married and though I'm of the age when that is more normal, I wonder what kind of time they have and how they're spending it. Why waste your youth on the spectacle? On the declaration of ownership? You'll have at least the next 40 years to do it so why deal with the snoring, the sexlessness, now? Can't you wait?

I don't know if I'll ever get married. I'd like to. Given the intimacy, comfort, and genuine love in my last relationship, I'm hopeful that I can find those qualities in someone I'm more compatible with, but god help him if he wants that big wedding...